Incomplete

Wanting to cry is like wanting to throw up
Nobody wants to but we all feel better for it afterwards
There is also nothing worse than the nausea of tears
Feeling my face preparing for the waterfall, though not granted such relief
The reason for the emotion being of course that the physical does not match the mental state of me
My mind sees me holding you, hugging you and basking in your warmth
My skin feels empty and cold and nothing at all and this is in dissonance with me
When I close my eyes I am kissing you, licking you, biting you, tasting you
But my lips remain dry and even the sweetest food tastes bland instead
A thousand times I have imagined the smell of your hair, your skin and you
The air instead is acidic and pungent and even sweet fragrances leave me without opinion
This is why I want to cry
Because though I am with you, I am completely without you
The tears sit behind a dam, creating a sense of nausea, as if to further my dissonance with myself
Where my mind is crying but my body refuses to comply
The onion ninjas spite me by not coming to my rescue
I am where you aren't and I feel like the store sign with one letter missing that never gets fixed
Incomplete

Story of My Life

Do you feel the feeling sinking
Smiles that we wear for each other
Masks to tears that breakthrough
Is this how life must be?
Like they say, story of my life
To find that the perfect hand to fit my heart is one that can't
Am I doomed to loose my love always?
My heart unable to keep it's treasures
Not you too. Not this again.
Yet I must stand on principle.
Stand upon beliefs and standards set by me
Goals learnt from stories and songs
A fairytale that has no place here
Here the good guy doesn't win
Here I am riding in the rain yet again
Riding cold and wet and alone yet
Remind me once again what it means to exist.
For some reason this could be just as bad
For some reason I could turn out worse

Back here again

Why do I write?

I forget sometimes. I write to let it out. These emotions that find their place on these digital pages.

And here they remain, etched in digital space, where I forget them. Why worry when it's out of my system? Right?

But then I forget. The feelings come back. The strongest ones always do. Like you. My strongest one yet.

Feeling like having my soul ripped apart from my body and put back in repeatedly.

Wondering why this skin feels alien and realizing that it is because it hasn't touched yours.

Then I have you. You who reads these words. Not once, but as many times as you do.

So as I am out there pulling out my hair and bordering on another bout of insanity, your hand appears on my shoulder.

Like a beacon that knows me and my words, you lead me back to what I once wrote.

Like a voice that reminds me, "hey, you've been here before"

I've been here before. I'll be back here again, until I feel alright, until I have the certainty of you in my arms. Till the day I fall into you falling into me, I'll be back here again. An exploding implosion.

Visibly invisible. Living dead. I'll be back here again.

© Rahul Chidambaran 2015

Questions

All these questions in your head
Your head in my hands I cradle
With these thoughts I fall to bed
Would you and I be fatal?

Ignorance is bliss until you breathe
Open our eyes to see what's real
Dreams are great but we must feed
Our brains need as much as our hearts feel

Little wounds that cut on your heart
Tears fall as if they seek to soothe
Inevitable we would have had to start
Lean on me, I won't be rude

Of all the questions there is the one
On a day when discomfort wins
Shoots like a bullet from a gun
Revealing your empty tins

Question to which you know the answer
The answer is forever eternal
I love you even if we sever
Your heart in my hands I cradle

Ineffective Words

What do I write?
How do I take these feelings and run them through my word machine only to find out that the machine is broken.
As if you are every breath that I have ever taken and the thought to which I awaken.
I force myself to find new words to describe this only because I feel like I haven't done it justice yet. And I don't want to.
I want to spend the rest of my days trying and then just almost failing to get these words perfect.
There are so many ways in which you are beautiful but I sometimes decide to feel a little good about myself and say that the most beautiful thing about you is how you see me. For you are my mirror in so many ways, reflecting and echoing me except that you take me by surprise in your reflection of me.
I also hope that when you see your reflection in me that it is accurate in its depiction of supernovas and swirling galaxies spinning around and coming to a stop as time froze for that millisecond and then continued. This is how I feel when I see you, like I might never see something that makes me this happy again. That I would do anything to be the piece of cloth that drapes you.
So as you hit the road this morning, ask me for a reading, as I tell you ineffectively how much I love you once again.

The Theory of Everything (almost)

Beyond the theory of relativity
Crossing the bonds of time
In your eyes I see family
In your eyes I see mine

This truth does not make sense
Orbit around this black hole
Not falling into the dense
Not falling into our home

To embrace and spin you around
I commit to my patience
Until under our feet the same ground
Until we can too dance

At a time when I loved my fort
Look how far we've come
Learning how to teleport
Yearning to share a sun

Song in the wind

In ways that I had given
Never expected the return
Then I heard her singin'
About how her heart burned

Heard it the first time
Then again a second
Before I wrote this rhyme
Third and fourth I gave in

Voice from far far away
A sound sent for me
Blame me not for how I sway
I know now how this feels

I know these words are read
They find eyes aquamarine
I know what the song meant
Your feelings are mine

Broken Time Machines

Holding tightly our youth that threatens to slip away
We try to wish back the wish that did come true
Losing time in too many deep breaths
We gave in and grew up instead

We'd all fly to Neverland
Turn back the clock if we could
But there is no guarantee
If we'd be the Pan or the Hook

Ignorance is bliss they say
We've all been at that age
Yet it is hard to go back to the old you
Your inner child burnt by the bitter truth

Concur

Hey hon, won't you take my hand?
I wanna let you inside
I hope that you understand
It is a rare sight
You can stay as long as you want
Even if forever
Your space I will not haunt
If our ties sever

But you don't need to worry
We'll be just fine
In a parallel universe, honey
You and I do rhyme
No matter what the stars say
I know I am right
You seem so far away
In time I'll see your light

There is one thing you should know though
Even if you already do
This chapter I have not closed
I doubt, neither have you
For if you did take my hand
If you took it in faith
On firm ground we could stand
We could change our fates

I swear that you can rest assured
Don't be obliged
When we talk there's no need to feel weird
Just come along for the ride
Now if you do agree with my crazy theory
Just say "I concur"
I will then know and believe
I've found her

© Rahul Chidambaran 2011

In A Parallel Universe

I can almost feel...her

She's not in my air though I can nearly breathe...her

Perhaps she's part of my disconnect

Her space I cannot dissect

In a parallel universe

All that's mine is really just hers

Striving hard to keep control

On reality I must have hold

Slave to this romantic idea

She's not something I'd find in Ikea

I know that she does exist

And so my mind decides to persist

I've only been waiting for so long

Whole while playing the same damn song

Trying to put my own pieces together

Though the glue won't hold forever

It probably sounds just plain crazy

That I can almost hear her voice through the air that's hazy

I flee away to my personal islet

And I miss the presence of one Ms Violet

As I lay on my bed this night

I know I won't just give up her light

Even if I could just wish her away

I'd rather leave my heart on the silver tray

Even now I can almost feel her

Nearly breathe her air in the stratosphere

She may one day read this very verse

When she joins me from that parallel universe

© Rahul Chidambaran 2011